I Am a Brain in a Jar

The Last Party

December 28, 2020 Klaus Brenner and Doctor Brandon Winter Season 1 Episode 25
I Am a Brain in a Jar
The Last Party
Chapters
I Am a Brain in a Jar
The Last Party
Dec 28, 2020 Season 1 Episode 25
Klaus Brenner and Doctor Brandon Winter

At the end of all things, there is the party to end all parties.

The voice of the brain is Sarah Nightmare. "Interspace Toothbrush" by Dr. Brandon Winter. "The Last Party" by Klaus Brenner.

Show Notes Transcript

At the end of all things, there is the party to end all parties.

The voice of the brain is Sarah Nightmare. "Interspace Toothbrush" by Dr. Brandon Winter. "The Last Party" by Klaus Brenner.

Good evening, gentle listener. Though I’ve never seen your face, I’m sure you’re an exceedingly attractive person with a radiant smile. I bet your teeth are pearly white and straight as an arrow and your breath smells like fresh linens. 

But just for the sake of argument, what if you do want new teeth? Or healthier gums? How about a pulsating proboscis or a knot of nutrient-absorbing tendrils? Well, let me tell you about Dr. Planck’s InterSpace Toothbrush.

Using the patented micro-cloud quark reactor embedded in its bristles, the InterSpace Toothbrush opens a tiny inter-dimensional wormhole between you and another random being, human or otherwise, currently using the brush.  After just a few seconds of unimaginable pain, you’ll have a whole new smile. And you’ll never know what you’ll get

For just 8 easy payments of whatever we decide to charge you, you can discover a whole new you by taking just a little piece of someone else. Your humanity aside, what do you have to lose? Dr. Planck’s InterSpace Toothbrush: brushing has never been so horrifyingly exciting. 

Dr. Planck’s InterSpace Toothbrush is not a licensed medical device and has not been approved by any regulatory agency. Side effects may include: dry mouth, sensitive gums, headaches, itchy eyes, genetic prolapse, cosmic revelations of other worlds, and contact dermatitis. Batteries not included.


There is one constant in this universe. All things must end.

You will die one day, as will your parents, your children, your friends, your lovers. All of them. Everyone you’ll ever love will die. And everyone you’ll ever hate, too. Your entire species, and sooner than you think. 

But it doesn’t stop there. Within a few billion years, the sun will have grown so bright and hot that the water on Earth will evaporate, ending all life. Even the planet itself is doomed, fated to be engulfed by its mother star. A star that will eventually burn itself out, along with all the others. 

In fact, a long, long, long, time from now, and I mean a really long time from now, as in 1 followed by a hundred zero years from now…

That number’s called a googol (pronounced like Google), by the way. I shit you not. Ten to the hundredth power is a googol. 

(Pause)


The fuck was I talking about again?

Oh, right. In a googol years, all matter in the universe will have become so sparse and so spread out that all thermodynamic processes will cease. It will basically be the end of all things.

But right before that happens, there will be a party. And everyone will be there. You, me, Einstein, Grivelax. Every intelligent being who has ever lived. Even the dolphins. 

It will be a meeting of the minds unlike anything this universe has ever known. Creatures from galaxies a million light years apart meeting for the first time and sharing their thoughts on philosophy and science and religion. And singing and dancing and doing all kinds of weird space drugs.

There will be sex, of course. Strange, unnatural sex between things that really shouldn’t be copilating with each other. Just tentacles and spined phalluses and various fluids splashing all over the place.

So gross.

Anyways, all of the intelligent beings of the universe, together at last, partying like no one has ever partied before. And they will carry on for a billion years, raging against the dying of the light, not stopping until the very last of them has ground themselves to dust.