I Am a Brain in a Jar

The Passion of Mung the Conqueror

November 30, 2020 Klaus Brenner and Doctor Brandon Winter Season 1 Episode 24
I Am a Brain in a Jar
The Passion of Mung the Conqueror
I Am a Brain in a Jar
The Passion of Mung the Conqueror
Nov 30, 2020 Season 1 Episode 24
Klaus Brenner and Doctor Brandon Winter

A deposed leader refuses to  accept reality.

Voiced by Sarah Nightmare, written by Dr. Brandon Winter and Klaus Brenner.

Show Notes Transcript

A deposed leader refuses to  accept reality.

Voiced by Sarah Nightmare, written by Dr. Brandon Winter and Klaus Brenner.

My apologies for the interruption, but we have breaking news. Mung, the Conqueror, scourge of the galaxy, God-Emperor of countless worlds, has been defeated. After a string of victories earlier this month, Resistance forces decimated what remained of Mung’s fleet just outside the Rigel system.

Mung himself has retreated to his home planet of Proxima B, now surrounded by hundreds of Resistance starships. His allies dead, his empire in ruin, we expect his surrender any moment now.

And what do you know? We just received a statement from the former emperor. It reads thusly:

Behold, puny mortals, it is I, Mung the Conqueror! 

Your doom is at hand. As we speak, fleets of cosmic galleons are surrounding your pitiful worlds, and at my word they will unleash the full power of my superior war machine and annihilate all those who oppose me once and for all. There is no use in attempting to comprehend your fate, for can an insect divine the motives and workings of a clock, or a mote of dust a mountain? No, there is no hope for you; you are but playthings in the hands of a god.

Um… well, there’s a lot to unpack here. Despite these claims, there are not in fact fleets of cosmic galleons surrounding your worlds. No, those galleons are on fire.

Mung then goes on to say:

Doubtless you believed your pathetic resistance had vanquished me. How small you are. I foresaw the ends of your plans before you conceived them, for there is not a secret in this universe that I cannot unravel, no possibility that I cannot anticipate. To call my intellect the greatest mind the universe has ever seen is to insult infinity, for like the endless expanse of existence that I now rule unopposed, there are no limits to my genius. 

So the thing is, we’re getting reports from across the Galaxy, even from neutral worlds, that Mung’s fleet has indeed been vanquished. As the - quote - greatest mind the universe has ever seen - unquote - he surely knows this. I’m sure he’ll be capitulating any moment now.

Hold on, I’ve just been told we’ve received another statement. 

I possess the greatest host of men and machines ever seen. I have never lost a battle and I will not lose this one. In fact, I have already won. I have received a thousand surrenders on this day alone, some from races you have never heard of. But they have heard of Mung. Because all races know fear, and Mung is fear. My victory is inevitable.

No it’s not. It’s just not. What are you doing, man? There is an armada surrounding your planet.

Should I even bother reading the rest of it?

And to the fools who doubt me, say what you will. I do not care. I am the greatest orator ever born—not even the cypher clouds of Loquitur can speak against me. That is why you are silent now. You are in awe of my impending victory. 

In a way, I envy you. What must it be like to encounter me? Is it truly sublime or merely phenomenal? I will never know. Oh, what delicious irony! Mung knows all but cannot know the one thing closest to him—himself! Perhaps one day. But for now I will let my holocaust cannons decide what is true and what is false. You do not deserve such wisdom.

Rejoice, my subjects, for in your defeat, I will know victory! Rejoice in me, the greatest general and thinker that has ever stood astride the stars—the kindest man, the fairest and most just emperor and king to ever sit the Astral Throne! Rejoice! I have won, I have won, I have…

Well, that’s odd. His message ends just like that, halfway through the sentence. I wonder what happened.

Just a moment… OK. It looks like they blew him up.

Thus ends the saga of Meng the Conqueror, Emperor Eternal of the Universe and Beyond. What a pompous ass.

Happy holidays!

It is natural for lesser beings to fear what they do not understand, and you fear me, as you should. But it is also natural for the powerful to rule the weak, and there is none more powerful than Mung the Magnificent, Mung the Unbreakable, Mung the Perfected. You shall understand your place in this natural order when I raise my finger and loose upon you a storm of fire beyond your meager imaginations. Your skies will boil and your continents will melt, and you will look to the stars and you will understand your error. But I will not be angry, for no one cares more for his people than I do. Who has done more for you than Mung the Magnanimous?

Before Mung came to you, you were plagued by disease, but there is no sickness now—it is gone. Before Mung, you were poor; now you are rich. Before Mung, you were weak. You are still weak, but my strength gives you strength, for no one is stronger than Mung the Mighty. You see? Mung has carried you upon his shoulders to heights undreamed of by mortals and lesser gods. With Mung, you are great.

That is why you must die. You do not understand Mung as he should be understood. You mock him; you have turned your backs on him. I do not blame you, for how could a blind painter capture the splendor of a sunset? There was no way you could have succeeded in loving me as you should have. I see that now. It is perhaps the closest thing to a mistake I have ever known, and I must rectify that. I do not take pleasure in deploying my unstoppable war fleets and armies to crush you, but you have left me no choice. You must be taught a lesson, and my will is the most supreme of all teachers.